Swaine's Flames: Mau-mauing the Ambulance Chasers

Dear Sir or Madam:

It has come to the attention of the legal watchdog team here at Swaine's World that you have been sending threatening messages to owners and/or operators of a number of websites, claiming to represent Lyons Partnership, the supposed intellectual property owner of the alleged children's character Barney. We further find that you have accused these website owners and/or operators of incorporating "the use and threat of violence towards the children's character Barney without permission from Lyons Partnership." We have carefully reviewed your correspondence and have concluded that you are a zit-faced dweeb. This, however, is merely a gratuitous insult and not germane to the real subject of this message.

First, permit us to direct your attention to that phrase "without permission from Lyons Partnership." Now, really. Is it likely that the owners and/or operators of a website designed to express loathing for your client's purple monstrosity would seek permission from its trademark owners before doing so? And is it even remotely plausible that, had it been approached for permission by these website owners and/or operators, Lyons Partnership would have said, "Oh, yup, sure, go right ahead, trash Barney." If Swaine's World were to, say, smack you between the eyes with an overripe mackerel, would you charge us with assault without permission? You might, at that. You're a lawyer.

To continue, you appear to be under the mistaken impression that it is possible actually to commit violence upon a person or dinosaur through the act of posting content to a website. This faith in the power of the TCP/IP protocol is touching, but misplaced. You can't be smacked between the eyes by a virtual mackerel. As to the threat of violence, it appears to have escaped your attention that Barney is not a real person, or, for that matter, a real purple dinosaur. Threats of violence toward Barney are jokes, Matt. They cannot be otherwise. Although the humor doubtless sails right over your head, being a lawyer, your superb legal training and keenly logical mind should allow you to perceive the physical impossibility of committing actual violence upon a fictional character. You do not suggest that these sites promote violence against actors in purple suits, which indeed they don't; no, it is against that hideous purple dinosaur that you charge them with making threats of violence, a charge that is not only legally vacuous but suggestive of a deeply troubled mind. Barney is not real, Matt, no matter how much he pays you.

Now that you see that your charges are baseless foofaraw, let us move on to a different subject. Your website. To be precise, the website of your law firm, Gibney, Anthony & Flaherty, at http://www.gibney.com/. In investigating the caliber of people who would willingly associate themselves with the perpetrators of Barney, our legal watchdog team paid a visit to your firm's website. We discovered that your firm displays on its website a representation of the Statue of Liberty. Without permission.

The people of the United States of America have invested something in excess of two hundred years and millions of lives in protecting and promoting the values represented by the image of this Statue of Liberty. It is our determination here at Swaine's World that your associating it with your firm's activities dilutes and debases the distinctive qualities of this symbol. We demand that you (1) cease and (1b) desist from associating your firm-s activities with this American symbol, (2) desist and cease from sending threatening letters to owners and/or operators of satirical websites, and/or (3) quit being a zit-faced dweeb. The remedies available to Swaine's World include disgruntlement and ridicule. We await an immediate response, which we will ignore.