'A better case for the banning of all poetry is the simple fact that most of it is bad. Nobody is going to manufacture a thousand tons of jam in the expectation that five tons may be eatable.'
—Myles na gCopaleen, starring in this column for the second month running.
Verity is the pseudonym of a programmer based in the UK. She can be contacted at [email protected].
The Mouse's Tale
David said
to his boss,
'I am quite
at a loss.
This rodent
is past it,
its good days
are done. It's
stopped rolling
rightly, Makes
clicks when
touched lightly,
Pray bin
it and buy
me a new
cordless one.'
Snarled his
boss: 'Not
so fast.
This leaves
me aghast.
That's three
mice this
summer
that you've
made go
bad. Your
mice are
disease-y,
'Cos your
hands
are so
greasy:
Go
wash
them
and
then
use
the
key-
board,
my
lad.'
Upgrading Stan
While customising his PC
With bright blue bulbs and Lucite*
Big Stan uncased its CRT
Exposing coils of ferrite.
On these his plump arm came to rest.
The Doc's report was shocking:
'It's the hertz that hurt across his chest;
Stan died of over-clocking.'
*A kind of Perspex engineered for its superior rhyming qualities —V.S.
The Lincolnshire Poacher
When I went out contracting
in rural Lincolnshire
I'd fix the locals' websites
by bosky broad and mere;
I'd fix them on my laptop, boys,
but my mobile bills were dear.
Oh, 'tis my delight when the bandwidth's right
and the signal strong and clear.
The cost of getting on the 'Net
was bleeding my firm dry.
And then I met a geezer
who told me of WiFi.
He told me of war driving
and was I glad to hear!
For 'tis my delight when the bandwidth's right
and the signal strong and clear.
I learned to spot an access point
by chalk marks on the ground.
It seems that open networks
are scattered all around,
Right here I can surf happily,
but I did not tell you where.
Oh, 'tis my delight when the bandwidth's right
and the signal strong and clear.
Good luck to fellow poachers
who do the chalky prep,
Bad luck to secure standards
and the threat of rolling WEP,
Good luck to dozy sys admins
who don't protect their gear —
Oh, 'tis my delight when the bandwidth's right
and the signal strong and clear.
Sebastian Drew
who wrote code in a slapdash manner and suffered the consequences.
The problem with Sebastian Drew,
The fastest coder south of Crewe,
(And fans of Jim Stark have no need
To e me boasting of his speed,
For this Jim Stark I can report
Writes only Perl—which counts for naught.)
The problem with Drew was that he
Would never test stuff properly.
And though, to the executive,
This habit seemed most lucrative,
From all his programmatic peers
His slack technique attracted jeers.
Amanda Cracknell (low waist jeans)
Would never once call his routines;
The build team guy from Cabin 3
(Whom Lotte fancies desperately)
Let loose with most abusive bile
Because 'Drew's check-ins DON'T COMPILE';
As for the leader of our team,
Whose methodology's extreme,
He nearly did a Dreadful Deed
When Drew's module's thread AV'd.
A deputation to Upstairs
Caught management quite unawares
But faced with such deep-felt frustra-
-tion, our suits showed no dismay
And cracked the problem in one go:
They made Sebastian CTO.
To ease somewhat this bitter pill
His take-home rose to half-a-mill
With pension plan and stock reserved —
Just what Sebastian deserved.
Why I don't like Basic
In the first job I had, long before you were born,
We used Commodore BASIC for PETs:
Just two-letter variables, note that point please,
And line numbers, GOSUBs and GETs.
A Northerner there was a little bit DIM—
His arrays were all smaller than 10—
He rang me one evening to help fix a bug.
'What is it controls this IF/THEN?'
I said 'I.' He said ''kay.' I said 'No, I said I,
Don't put K because then it won't work.'
He said 'I?' I said 'Yes.' He said 'Why?' I said 'No!
Just shut up and listen, you nerk.
Don't put Y, just put I. Is that clear?' He said, 'Aye'.
I said 'Ah! Now we will get on fine.'
He said 'Oh, is it R?' I said 'O?' I said 'Eh?'
He said 'A?' Then I hung up the line.
Verity Stob wishes to apologise to Lewis Carroll ('The Mouse's Tail'), Harry Graham ('Upgrading Stan'), Anon ('The Lincolnshire Poacher'), Hilaire Belloc ('Sebastian Drew'), and Rob Wilton ('Why I don't like Basic') who wrote the originals that she has butchered.
DDJ
