And it came to pass that the sons of Kahn known as the Borland-ites, who dwelt in
the valley of Scotts, were once more sore oppressed.
For the Borland-ites had toiled many days and nights over Delphi, and had made
it good. Yet the people thereabouts would try it not, saying: What kind of a
thing is this Delphi? Is it Eye-tie-ite or something? We do better to buy things
that are called Vi Su-Albahsic or Power or Bill-da or C++ or
Enterprise, which art as the pie of the apple.
Then the Borland-ites had toiled many days and nights over C++ Bill-da, and had made it
reasonable. Yet the people thereabouts would try it not, saying: How does this help with
our Java strategy?
And to cap it all, the Mic-rosoftees of the north had encamped at the very entrance to
the valley, whence they did ensnare Borland-ite programmers in nets, and dragged
them off to Red Mond to eat them.
Wherefore things looked pretty bleak, even by the standards of the Borland-ites.
So the sons of Kahn decided to take unto themselves a new leader. For they spake amongst
themselves saying: Whosoever we choose cant make things any worse.
Now one day there came unto their midst a man, whose name was Del Yoc-am. And the
Borland-ites called out to this man: What knowest thou of the craft of software?
And Yoc-am replied saying: Nothing. Im a hardware guy, me.
And the Borland-ites asked this man: So thou hast no desire to drop zillions on
over-valued piles like Ash-Tontate, or launch truly hopeless packages like Object
Builder, or plan to grow a huge hedge in the shape of Stonehenge?
And Yoc-am replied saying: No indeedy.
And the Borland-ites cried out in joy saying, Here is our new leader. And they carried
him up the valley on their shoulders, and put him upon their throne, and put
on his back the grey cloth of leadership, and anointed his feet with laser
toner of the very best quality.
And they sung a song in his honour:
Hail to the chief!
For his name is Del Yoc-am.
If you hear some wise words brief
Twas surely he who spoke em.
The acts of Yoc-am
So it was that Del Yoc-am reigned over the Borland-ites. And he reigned for three
score weeks and ten. And in this time he restrained himself from buying up software
houses, excepting the odd small one which counteth not, and did not release any
utter boners, although JBuilder 1 was perhaps one which they will be keeping a little
quiet about in years to come, and grew no hedges in the shape of an ancient
monument of Wilt-shire, as far as we know.
And Yoc-am made Enterprise versions, which art not so very dissimilar from
ordinary versions, except that they hath a little sticker upon the box, and they
cost one hundred-fold more. For Yoc-am reasoned thus: if we manage to sell a couple of
these, we can pay off the mortgage.
And Yoc-am engaged with Mic-rosoftees of the north, and parleyed with them, and
made them promise to stop eating the programmers of the Borland-ites.
And the Nasdaq looked down upon the labours of Yoc-am, and saw that they
were not too bad, and the price of the stock of the Borland-ites, which had been on the
floor, crept upward a little.
And the morale of the Borland-ites improved.
But Yoc-am became sore troubled in his heart. For he noticed thatwhenever
he made a pitch to the Corporates, they did snigger unto him saying: How art the hedges, O
Borland-ite?
And when he heard this, Yoc-am waxed full of wrath. And he determined to do something
about it.
So one day, Yoc-am called the sons of Kahn unto him, and he said: I have a great idea that
will fix this hedge thing. Lets change our name.
And the sons of Kahn said unto him: No, that is a silly idea. Lets not.
And Yoc-am replied saying: Too late. I have already ordered the stationery, and the
press are coming round in ten minutes.
And the sons of Kahn spake, saying: Oh. And what are we to be called?
And Yoc-am said unto them: Inprise.
And the sons of Kahn gasped, saying: What?
And Yoc-am said unto them: Sorry. I actually meant to call us
Enterprise, but it was a bad line and the lady was a bit deaf, and I think I
may have been a bit tipsy.
And the sons of Kahn cried out unto him saying: Youutterburke.
And the Inprise-Ites that had been Borland-ites did lament a loud lament:
O woe! Tears fill our eyes
It seems for sure that folkll
Just laugh at our Inprise.
Del Yoc-am is an anagram of Mad Yokel
Nearly.
The consequences
And when the Mic-rosoftees of the north heard what had happened, how they did
laugh. They laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they laughed.
And they laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they
laughed and they [thats enough laughing - Ed].
Then there came forth from the tribe of the Until-Recently-Borland-ites a techie. And
the techies name was Char Leecalvert.
And Char Leecalvert went unto to the mountain top called Inter-net, and spoke
brave words unto the world, saying: it doth not matter, Borland-ite is but only a name,
like any other; by all means have a giggle at our marketing people - they hath always been
dodgey anyway - but our technology is still cool.
But friends of the Inprise-Ites that had been Borland-ites once more had cause to
remember the wisdom of the great prophet Mandee-rice Davis. And such
men were again sore afraid for the sons of Kahn.